So I'm finally going to mention it. But I'm not going to go into any great detail. There was a guy in high school that I fell in love with and really thought I was going to marry. We never dated but we were pretty good friends. I know, it seems like a silly crush but the people who really know me will get it. And then I found out the other day after church that he committed suicide. The funeral was today. That's really all I'm going to say about it. I guess I just needed to get it out there so it becomes real to me.

Kevin came over last night and I saw him for the first time since our "thing" last school year. Oddly enough it was very pleasant. I have a lot of friendly love for him but that's as far as it goes now. I'm pretty sure he's the same way so no worries there. It was nice to just hang out with him and not expect to do stuff. We have a class together today so hopefully that friendship will continue and not morph into what it was last year. I don't want it to. And I don't really have those feelings anymore but I've told my friends to watch me and make sure I don't slip again just in case.

Speaking of classes, I'm a major idiot. I wrote that my class was in Anspach 165 so I go there and sit down towards the front and purposefully away from the doors. That way I won't be tempted to leave. People come in, take out their books, and then it dawns on me. Somehow I was not in the right room. Then the prof comes in and starts talking and I can't just leave so I sat through an anthropology class. Lol. No joke. At least it was interesting. :) I was in 165 but I wrote it down wrong and I was supposed to be in 265 instead. Oops! Oh well. It was an interesting class and if I ever need to take ANT 200, I know to take it with Carmen White. Hahaha!

In other good news, Scottie and Ben came to visit this weekend! I was really happy to see them. They're some of the rare guys that I truly feel comfortable being myself around. A lot of times I feel like I need to change or tone myself down a bit but I'm just my true dork with them. I didn't see them a whole lot but when we did hang out it was a lot of fun. Before they left I had them decorate two of my folders for class. I used one of them today and it made me smile.

So originally I had 21 credits for this semester. I'm not gonna lie; I slacked off freshman year so three of them are repeats. Two I had gotten Cs in but need to bring those up for social work. Anyway, I thought I'd be okay with 21 credits but I really need to study and buckle down this semester so I've already dropped one of them. And I think I'm gonna drop another sometime later today once I figure my planner out. I'll either have 18 or 15 credits though and I can handle that.

Kellie, mine and Lindsay's roommate, is amazing! I've been so lucky with roommates. First I had Rachel and Lindsay. Last year Melissa came into the mix and we all know I adore her to pieces. Now I have a different Lindsay and Kellie. We all mesh really well and have a good time. Plus Pookey is here practically all the time and he and Kellie get along nicely too. I think this year is going to be amazing. It just sucks big time that Emi isn't here.

I'm doing okay with that though. I miss her like crazy but we text and call. Plus I make random videos of us to send to her so that it might not be so hard. I mean, I can be selfish and say I wish she was here but she's the one making the huge life change. That's not easy at all. So I want to try to make it a little bit easier by letting her know we haven't forgotten her, love her, and are here if she ever needs us. Or if she just gets bored and wants to chat.

Our door is really neat. We each picked some postsecrets to print out and put up there. I got everyone addicted. Jessica (RA), Pookey, Kellie, and Lindsay were sitting there looking through them for a super long time. And now Kevin has borrowed one. But we put up green paper on the door, printed our secrets, and posted them up there. There are 14 of them. I chose: "I take extreme measures to poop in solitude," "I wish I could find mine" (referring to the romances in Grey's anatomy), "I've never seen a penis in real life," one about having had heart surgeries, and another saying something about how I worry I'll never find a man who treats me as well as my best guy friend does. Yup. We also have ones about how we're in college but watch Disney, we love when people break up on facebook, and one about how we need to be kissed by men who know what they're doing. :)

Going with that, I really would like a good kiss right now. I dunno. That's weird but I've been like craving a decent kiss for a few weeks. I like kissing though. But I learned my lesson and I'm not going to do it until I'm in a relationship. Which isn't going to happen for a while because I don't want to date for a few months. I need to get my life in order first and focus on school. That's my top priority. Sure, my main wish is to get married and be a mom but I'm not going to bank on that. And I'd like to be able to support myself after I'm married but before the kids come. I really only wanna stay home when they're young. Then when they start going to school, I'll get a job and pick them up afterwards or something. Yep yep.

Ugh. I'm such a sappy romantic. I'm okay with that though. I am not a hopeless romantic, I am a hopeful romantic.

Welp, Pookey, Jessica, Vanessa, Lindsay, Kellie, and I are doing lunch at 1. Jessica, the RA, has been hanging out with us a lot and I like that. She's super cool. So anyways, my point is that I'm going to end this entry and finish up more important things before it's time to eat.

So I'm in love with High School Musical 2.

Tomorrow I get to move my stuff in at Central!

Move in day isn't till the 23rd though. I'm mostly packed.

I wish that life was a musical. Except I'm a really poor singer. But I'd love to spontaneously break out into song and dance. Plus the sexiest thing in the world is a man that can sing and dance. Okay, that's not true. But it is quite attractive.

Hm. What is the sexiest thing...? What never fails to make me swoon? I'm not sure. I guess singing probably. Dance can always be taught. lol.

For some reason I'm watching Hannah Montana. Only I was super confused because there was no Hannah but they kept talking about Miley. Well apparently Miley IS Hannah or something like that. I'm confused and Emi is totally making fun of me for it. lol

Well I gotta go finish packing.

So Emi is on her way to Montana as of today. I cried but I'm okay now.

I need to redo my schedule on the 20th when registration opens.

Ugh, I have to get a job on campus. :(

Have I packed yet? Nope.

I'm completely frazzled at the moment.

Too much to do. I'm enjoying this whole running thing though. I gained weight since camp and I'm not happy about that. I feel like a blimp even though I know I'm not.

Did I mention Emi and I got matching tattoos? They're so pretty! Mine is on the outside of my left ankle and hers is the top of her foot. They say Let go & let God and have little hearts and designs around them. It's been my strength since she's gone. I love it. I feel weird because I have 3 and that seems like a lot. Oh well. I love them all.

Earlier this summer I really wanted to be in a relationship. I mean, who doesn't want to have a special person to hug, kiss, and talk to? But I'm okay with it now. In fact, I'm not ready to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to strengthen my faith and myself first. I'm still recovering from the Kyle ordeal and that's probably going to take a while because everything was so messed up. It made me doubt myself, my worth, beliefs, and what was real and what wasn't. I've already decided everything about that relationship was fake because of his lies but I haven't really accepted it. There are no answers. That drives me nuts but it's not my fault. I need to realize that. I also need to keep in mind that I deserve to be loved and cherished. No more make out buddies, cuddle buddies, or settling for a guy that doesn't appreciate me. I deserve respect and somehow I was functioning without it. It's just not my time right now. I need to become more independent. There are things I've wanted to do but haven't because they were outside my comfort zone. I want to change that. I need to. This year is going to be about me. My summer has been about finding God and finding myself. Now it's time to strengthen that. If a relationship does come along and I feel it's right, I'm not going to say no. But I'm not going to pine away because that won't make it happen any sooner than it's supposed to. And I know it's not supposed to yet.

I realized this morning that I like to push myself. Rather than get back into Tae Bo, I decided to run this morning like I was at the beginning of summer. I had that whole regimen before that increased every week. Like run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 3, etc. I threw that away. I ran for 8 minutes, walked 2, ran 5, walked 2, ran 3. Only I actually pushed myself with speed and incline on the treadmill. And you know what feeling I love? I love it when my lungs are burning, muscles screaming, and sweat running down my back. You guys know I'm not a runner at all. And I hate the thought of it. I hate the idea of being sweaty and sore and exhausted. But once I force myself to get up and do it, I genuinely enjoy it. Does that make me weird? I don't know. And I truly don't care! I had my music going, my mind wandering, and my body being put to use. It was really... fun. I'll probably get bored after a few weeks and switch back to Tae Bo but for now I'm enjoying this.

On another note, I got an e-mail from a Coast Guard person I wrote to. He's in Bahrain.

I'm gonna  go shave my legs! I like shaving my legs too. It's... soothing somehow. Maybe because I love the smell of the gel I use. :)

PS: I love Hairspray the movie and the soundtrack!

Darin, my Air Force contact, made it to Iraq. He said the transportation sucked but he made it there safe.

I've decided to get a beta fish when we get back to school and name him Sushi. Emi and Lindsay have McFishy Groban and I think I'll have Sushi McBuble. lol

I really need to stop thinking of doing things and just do them. It's really true that you only get one shot at life. I'm not going to sit here and say "Oh I'll get in shape later" because it's never going to be fun. It's never going to be easy. So if I want things to change, I need to step up and do it myself because nobody can do it for me and it's not possible to just snap my fingers. I never really thought it was but I guess I never really told myself it wasn't. I kept thinking I'd put it off and someday it would be easier. It's not. So today it stops. And if I fall off the wagon again, then I'll hop right back on.

I always think it's ridiculous when people complain about things they have the power to change. Yet here I am doing the same thing. I'm going to try really hard not to do that anymore. I don't like that I've gained weight. I'm not fat, nowhere near it, but I'm not comfortable right now. So I'm going to work and fix it. I'm done annoying myself by putting it off. It's going to be crappy and difficult no matter when I do it so I'm going to stop kidding myself with all the excuses. I can not do anything about it and be miserable, or I can be miserable while fixing it. But if I go to fix it, that being miserable will eventually change into routine and satisfaction so at least it's productive miserable-ness.

I wish there really was a way for me to snap a finger though and just shed those pounds I gained. But oh well. It's all about choices.

You know what else? I'm going to be more involved at CMU this year and more social. What have I got to lose? Not much.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. There's no second chance. I tend to forget that quite easily. I'm not 100% happy with myself so I'm changing it.

And I'm going to worry less about what people think of me. That's probably my biggest personal problem. I can't please everyone and it's ridiculous to try. I need to stay true to myself and what makes me happy.

You know what makes me happy? A clean bedroom. Is mine clean? No, it's a mess but I've been making stupid excuses for not cleaning it, figuring I could do it later. Yeah it's not gonna be any more fun later than it would be now. So I'm gonna suck it up, turn on some fun music, and make it into an adventure instead of torture.

Yes, this entire entry was a way for me to give myself a pep talk. Not even a pep talk. I needed to talk some sense into myself and stop making excuses for my life. :)

I'm currently dog-sitting in a strange house. They have high speed wireless internet and I've already downloaded like 100 songs. It's a gorgeous place. Seriously, it could be in a magazine. It's not even really all that big but it feels super spacey. I like it but it's too... neat for me. It's not all that homey feeling. The dog is a riot though. She goes flying across the hardwood floors and goes right past the chew toy. She's some kind of terrier that decides to nibble on my toes when she wants attention.

My Air Force contact went to Iraq today. I haven't heard from him yet to know if he's okay and, well, most of you know me and that I worry. But I would've heard if anything bad had happened so I figure he's just getting settled and has a different schedule now. However if anyone feels like sending up some prayers, that would be great.

I love my new faith. I really do. And I'm sorry if anyone is reading this and feeling uncomfortable but it's who I am now and I'm going to speak freely about it.

Last week Emi took me to meet with Crystal and Petey. We had a little Life Group meeting and I'd never been before. They asked for prayer requests. I had one to help me get over my anger and hurt from Kyle and my other was for this guy at work, Mr. Thompson. Putting it quite bluntly, I've been watching the man deteriorate all summer. I feel like I've been watching him die. Last year he was all spunky but now we usually end up having to bring his food to his cottage. Well I feel like the prayers have worked on both me and him. This last week he's been in every shift I've worked. And I've been feeling really at peace with myself. Emi needed prayers to get financial aid and it came through. Now, okay, I can see how a person could attribute that NOT to faith. I used to too. But I'm certain that prayer works even if it's not always the way I may want.

Anywho. The other day Pookey called and told me he needed prayers. He never really was that open about his faith during school but ever since I told him about my coming around, we've been discussing it. I asked him today for prayers for my Air Force contact. Which really was my whole point in writing this entry.

Did I write about the anysoldier.com website? You go, click on names, and can then send letters and packages to a soldier whose name you selected. I wrote about 8 letters and got an e-mail back from only one person so far. I really wasn't expecting anything. We've been exchanging e-mails for the last couple weeks and he told me the other day that he would be going to Iraq on Saturday. Well that was today. Until Darin (my contact) I've only known one person serving and that's Mr. Sherman. It's kinda hard. I'm such a worrywart.

Anyway. I suppose I should sleep. I have to get up to take care of the dog in the morning and then head home. My parents are going to some surprise birthday party or something and I'm gonna have the house to myself. That'll be sweet. Then again, I've had this house to myself for the day now.

I really can't wait to go out and get my own place. I want an actual house too so I can paint it and just be. But that's years from now, unfortunately.

I've become addicted to myspace again. That site is going to take over the world some day. Ugh. It's horrible. I hate it simply because I love it.

Alright, this is enough for me. Time for bed!

Oh, a little note to myself and a lesson to others: Checking your e-mail every few minutes does not mean that suddenly the message you've been waiting for is going to appear. It just means that you live a sad, sad existence. lol In my case, very sad. :P

Right now I feel really used. It seems silly but I can't help it. At school I began to feel like I was just being used because I had a car. And because I easily lent out money. Yeah, Emi and Lindsay have paid me back. But I still have a friend that owes me $132 and she was supposed to drop it off Friday. She didn't so I called, got her voicemail, and haven't heard back from her. Now, okay, maybe she's busy or doesn't have service. But I told her I needed it today to pay for the concert ticket from over the weekend. I've decided I'm not going to drive people to random places this school year. I mean, the gas adds up but it's not even that. I just feel like that's why I was kept around because I was only really invited to hang out because someone needed a ride or some money. Nice.
And now one of my guy friends is being a butthead. He doesn't answer his phone hardly ever so Emi and I leave fun voicemails and he calls us back when he gets the chance. Fine, whatever, we accepted that. Then we made plans to take a super long detour home from the concert to see him and surprise him. We wanted to know he'd be there though so I left two voicemails telling him to call me because I had to ask him something. He didn't so we didn't stop. He called this morning though. In the voicemail he said he hasn't listened to the messages yet. Then he went right into asking me for a favor. Earlier in the school year I ordered a CD for him off ebay because he didn't have a card of any kind. He paid me back, of course. Well he wants me to do it again and it ends tomorrow. Then he got on facebook and saw my message about how we were going to visit him so he calls me again, all sad, and then said he didn't realize the concert was this weekend. That made him think of the Josh Groban concert and he started whimpering. I'm just feeling really used and unappreciated I guess. He told me how I should have called again because I know he doesn't listen to messages. As if it was my fault.
I've decided I'm not going to call him for a while. I've made all the initiations so far this summer. If he wants to talk to me, he'll try again. Because I'm sick of being the one doing all the work. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm being used. And I'm sick of accepting all the excuses people give me for it. So I'm done. That sounds really cold and heartless. I'm not opposed to helping people when they really need it. But I'm not going to be a sucker anymore. I think I deserve better than that. Actually I know I do.

Thursday Emi and I drove down to Holly to stay the night at Lindsay's house. We had tickets to the Michael Buble concert last night so we spent the day in Detroit since neither Emi nor I had been. It was really fun. We went to GM and sat in some sweet cars! I sat in a Hummer. A beautiful one. And a Solstice. *cargasm* Even Emi said it. lol Then we went to Greektown, which was amazing. Amazing seems to be my most-used adjective lately. I'll try to switch it up.

We made our way around to discover that Warped Tour was going on right outside The Fox, where Michael Buble's concert would be. The three of us were wearing dresses and looking very pretty and grown up. Then we head to Warped Tour and everyone just gave us the funniest looks. I liked it. We saw people taken away in ambulances. To be honest, I kind of wanted to stay. It looked fun and I used to really be into that kind of music and scene. But they didn't like it, we didn't have tickets, and there was no way I would get all nasty before Michael Buble.

Speaking of, Jann Arden was his opening act. I didn't know that and I was super excited because she is awesome. (Notice I avoided using amazing?) And then Michael came on. I feel weird calling him Michael but it's really irritating to keep typing Michael Buble. I'll call him MB from now on. Anyway. It was hilarious.

 He sang an Elvis song. Then he was trying to get the men more involved and burst into YMCA. Loved it! Our seats weren't the best but I had an aisle seat and noticed people moving up towards the front. After a bit of cajoling I got Lindsay and Emi to join me so we got pretty close. Then the most incredible thing ever happened. He put the microphone in the stand, stepped to the edge of the stage, and belted out the end of the song just on his own. I'm in awe just thinking about it. I got the last 30 seconds recorded on my camera and I watched earlier. Absolutely brilliant. The man is a musical genius, no joke.

Josh Groban, Michael Buble, and I are getting married. I've decided. They'll learn to be okay with the arrangement. Hehe. Creeper! Nah. I'm content just to listen to them sing. But if they go on tour together, I'm freaking out and spending tons of money on front row seats, backstage passes, or whatever's possible.

On a bit of an unhappy note, my dad and I got in a fight the other day. Kyle and I aren't friends anymore and so I told him briefly why not. I didn't really go into details and I don't think that I need to. But he basically told me that it was my fault. I wish I had the type of father that would go to the guy and threaten him for hurting his little girl. Then again, if he really did cheat on my mom like she's led me to believe, I can see how he'd side with Kyle. Whatever. It happened a while ago and I'll get over it. I just really hate being lied to.

I cleaned my car out today like whoa. Yes, I did really just type that. And yes, I am very ashamed of that. Anywho my car looks amazing! I cleaned out the garbage, organized the stuff I have in the trunk, dusted, vacuumed, and it looks really pretty now.

The other day Wes came to visit from Cheboygan. I hadn't seen him since last summer so that made me happy. Wes is the same Wes that I met on the Europe trip years ago. It was good to see him. We hung out all day and laughed a bunch.

I don't know if I mentioned anysoldier.com last time but I got an e-mail response from a guy in the Air Force. He's written back twice so far. He sounds really cool. Wanna know how small the world is? He's from Cheboygan! He was a wrestler so he's even been to Roscommon a few times for Districts. Crazy.

There was just a super creepy knocking noise outside my window and it stopped as soon as I paused my music... Probably because I have this horrible habit of changing with my curtains open. And dancing around in my underwear. *hangs head in shame* Dang it. lol Nah. I checked and there's nothing out there. My curtains are closed now though.

I fixed my computer! It was running super slow so I removed things, edited things, and made it better. :) Yay me!

I'm feeling completely random right now. I'm gonna go play The Sims.